The Storm Is Here!

It’s coming. The storm front is almost here. Winter Storm Walter, otherwise known as BombCyclone Hurricane Typhoon Atmospheric Explosion ‘24, is the strongest we’ve seen in years. Pressure off of the coast is at -231.3 inches of Mercury, which is hithertofore thought of as impossible but now we know, we’ve seen it, it’s freaking real. The liquid in the little pressure tube thing is actually burrowing itself down through the crust of the Earth. The old gods have abandoned us. It’s over. It’s all over.

BombCyclone Hurricane Typhoon Atmospheric Explosion Walter was unexpected. We have been experiencing plenty of exciting weather these past few years, but nothing could have prepared us for the sheer animalistic savagery that Walter brings in its dark wake. Lawns will be torn up. Cows will be surgically dissected by 330 mph winds, limbs rent and thrown in the cardinal directions in a fog of blood and viscera. Roofs will be ripped from walls like the lid of an 8-ounce can of sardines. They will be peeled away as your loved ones cower in the corners of their doomed houses, as will be the tears in their eyes. There will be no mercy. God save us.

Your cars are equally dangerous locales. Without adequate preparation they are simply rolling coffins filled with fragile human-flesh. Do not leave your domicile without carrying at least three copies of each of the following: a pallet of toilet paper (preferably Costco-sized), a shotgun with at least 150 rounds, a complete portable butchery kitchen capable of processing at least five elk per hour, a bathtub full of cow blood, and a shrine to a minor South American deity worshipped before the year 1500. Do not trust anyone else on the road. They are all intoxicated or high on exotic drugs and they can no longer see you for they are blind with rage. You must be defensive when on the highway. Drive in the median to ensure complete safety. Better yet, take a horse. Steal one if necessary. Might makes right.

It is best that you simply stay put. When we possibly receive 34 inches of snow in the first hour, you may be tempted to run to the nearest place of worship, if only to make peace with your chosen deity/deities. That is a mistake. You would surely be killed by roving gangs of post-apocalyptic former tire technicians and tax attorneys, who will inevitably band together to create vulgar and amoral murder gangs. Society is destined to crumble under the weight of this disaster.

We have never seen a storm the likes of BombCyclone Hurricane Typhoon Atmospheric Explosion Walter and thus we have no idea what will remain of human decency when it comes. When the howling Mars-like winds begin, morality and ethics will be thrown out the window. Babies will not be safe. The elderly will be at constant risk. The very ties that bind you to the rest of humanity will dissolve like salt in water. You will know fear.

The forecast currently predicts 2-6” of dry snow, with a chance of winds reaching 25 mph.

No one is safe.