The Quaintwood Papers #1

It's been a while. I know. But I've been busy traveling the world, tending to my perfect family, and losing weight, all while improving my Japanese. However, I can sense my adoring fanbase growing agitated with a lack of writing, so I've started a new project.

The Quaintwood Papers is a book-length set of "documents" (all created by me, any resemblance to real people, alive or dead, is purely coincidental, etc.) meant to cast a humorous eye on the day-to-day life at a high school. Something about which I may know a little, and on which I may have a few opinions.

If you are an educator and take your job (far too) seriously, then I suggest you look elsewhere. No one will be spared, which is, I think, the only good way to look at the world. You're not special - coincidentally the name of my other project, a self-help book.

I found the following letter in my email the other day, signed simply "a fellow teacher". The only explanation I received was the following:

Dear Mr. Têtu,

You may not remember me. Actually, this letter is anonymous, so you definitely won't. You were my favorite teacher, and inspired me to go on to become one myself. I started six years ago.

I hate you for it.

It's the worst job I've ever had. Why the heck would you act like it was worth it? The only way you can repay me for this life of suffering is by publishing the letters and documents I'll send you over the next few years, so that you can make clear to your huge fanbase what kind of life teaching provides us.

Do it or I'll burn down your house.

Sincerely, a fellow teacher

To: allstaff@quaintwoodhigh.edu

From: principallochart@quaintwoodhigh.edu

Subject: Welcome back!

Dear staff:

Welcome back!!!

I’m sure you’ve had a busy summer. Missy (my wife, whom some of you know from The All Ladies And No One Else Church Group For Jesus) and I were talking about how quickly this summer went. It felt like just the other day we were out of school, picking the perfect tile backgrounds for our main floor bathroom remodel. Then before we know it, it was yesterday and we were finishing up the caulking on kitchen renovation number three!

But in all this hammer-and-nailing fun I never forgot about work. Sometimes Missy would come home from a nice night out with her friends (they’re such a fun bunch! Always writing her at all hours of the day!) and she’d find at me staring at my school laptop, just endlessly typing out Professional Development ideas! She’d say something like “you never look like that at me anymore” or “at least I’m having fun” and then we’d laugh together.

Such fun!

Judging from the amount of times I saw you at school during the summer I’m definitely thinking you want back at it as well! If I had a nickel for every time I saw one of you this summer wandering the hallways, sitting dejectedly on a bench near the bus stop, or just slumped in a corner of your classroom, sobbing quietly to yourself and saying, “I don’t have any life anymore, why can’t I leave here, I’m doomed for all eternity”… well, I’d have a lot of money!

The wait is over. Let meaning back into your life! So many of you seem burnt out from trying to entertain your own offspring all summer. Why don’t you spend some time doing the old song-and-dance for others’ children?

This year, we’re fully committed to the new fifth revision of our School Improvement Plan Motto Mission Statement, as mandated by the state: “Making All Learners Learn, All The Time, Everywhere”. This Motto/Mission Statement/Primary Commandment will be posted in color, on the best paper available, laminated and put inside a frame in every classroom in a prominent position. Moving, altering, or otherwise touching the Motto/Mission Statement/Primary Commandment will result in a stern talking to. We need to make sure everyone is on board with this, all the time, everywhere!

Now I’ve heard some negative Nellies say that it’s “the same old motto from last year, just rewritten at the cost of 32 hours of paid sub time for four teachers, six principals, and 2 paid marketing and educational consultants”. Nothing could be further from the truth. You’ll recall that our last such statement, “Making All Students Learn All The Time, No Matter Where”, included a negative statement. Our contracted educational consulting firm (Moribund, Feckless, and Sons) felt that such negativity was the probable cause behind our 43% graduation rate last year. I’m sure that the new Motto/Mission Statement/Primary Commandment will play a huge part in reversing that trend!

In slightly less exciting news, please be aware that due to budget constraints we are moving to a 7-and-a-half period day. The half period will be rotated on a daily basis, randomly giving one of the other six classes an extra half-hour. Think of it as a “time lottery”! In addition, the order of the other six classes will follow a simple-to-remember pattern:

Mondays: Periods 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, lottery half-period

Tuesdays: Periods 2, 4, 6, 1, 5, 3, lottery half-period

Wednesdays: Periods 4, 4, 4, 4, 4, 5, 4 half-period

Thursdays: Periods 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 3, no half-period (late start for mandatory team-building!)

Friday: Chef’s Choice! (I pick the period order based on totally real data and not whims at all)

I know that this represents a slight shift from our prior nine daily schedules in the past two years, but I assure you that it is the simplest answer to a question, that question being “how do we create more flexible learners and motivate teachers to stretch themselves”, not “how do we support the local liquor industry” as many of you have suggested. Sarcasm is the tool of the weak, as my sainted mother used to say.

There’s a lot more to go through on Monday, during our Professional Development Bonanza and All-Day Festival of Learning, but I’ll leave the surprises for then!

It’s Friday - that means just a few more hours until you’re back in the loving arms of your school, the best school in the state - Quaintwood High School!

With big sidehugs,

Principal Lochhart

P.S. Remember that plugging in any person devices at school is no longer allowed, due to insurance restrictions. Charge that phone at home! It’s a potential bomb!

P.P.S. Also remember that your personal phone is required to log into all district computers.