My Christmas List

Dear Santa,

Hi there. I hope you’re doing well. How are the elves? I’m sure they’re thrilled this time of year, working overtime to fulfill the wishes of all of the kiddies around the world. At least the ones that deserve it. How many Kardashian/YouTube-branded selfie-sticks did they have to make this year? Do what you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life! Nothing like creating the next generation of viral fame-hunters to fight the cold polar nights.

I’ve been such a good boy this year. I’ve eaten all the cheeses. I’ve taught some of the children. I’ve not even crashed any motorized vehicles lately. That’s a good year by anyone’s standards. I haven’t even yelled that much at my coworkers. Much.

I think you have to understand, Santa, that this represents a huge leap forward and evidence of heroic restraint on my part. For me, everyday interactions are riddled with magma-filled potholes of rage. When you’re as intelligent, good-looking, and perceptive as I am, then the drivel that issues forth from the dirty plebs’ mouths around you is like so much aluminum foil on your teeth.

But I’ve learned to love them! You just have to embrace their stink and their lack of intelligence. It’s kind of like being at a zoo. Sometimes I even did a really good deed and patiently explained to the people around me why they were wrong about their politics or life directions or cheese preferences. I could tell from their quiet stares and clenched fists that they were tense from the desire to thank me but had to fight their natural timidity.

I’ve also been great at home. It’s clear to me that my family views me as the great captain of the house, and they love it when I sit upon my recliner and give them directions. I bring order and calm to the scene. A hush descends upon the room when I begin one of my classic lectures (they’ve been described as “manic diatribes”, but I think that’s just the jealous grousing of a wife who wished she had the same verbal stamina as her long-suffering husband). Whether I’m instructing my daughter on the importance of good grades in fourth grade or helping my wife see the wisdom of my political views, I can see my audience become peaceful and satisfied, as evidenced by their yawns.

See, Santa? I’m a good boy.

Therefore, I have a few demands. Sorry, requests.

First: I need a new car. Well, it’s not that I really need it. It’s just that I have a certain joie de vivre to project to the rest of the world. I know that my electric car definitely makes me look like a great person, which I am, but is it doing it in style? It’s just a little bit too… common to really make a good impact on this world. I’d really like one of those new Mercedes EQS sedans if I could. I think it would impart a much more regal air to my moral superiority. Lead by example, I always tell my students.

Speaking of whom, I’d like to have a more flashy classroom. It’s not like my current concrete and brick bunker is befitting of such an intelligent and wise teacher/leader of humans. Do we really want to teach the next generation that it’s OK to look bad while doing good? No. This is unacceptable. One must always present the best of appearances. I’m thinking a glass-fronted second-story studio space would be much more appropriate for the lofty expectations and intelligent conversations that will flow forth from its sturdy maple door. After all, teaching French necessitates a good, deep dive into culture, and I’m not sure any true Frenchman would find my current space acceptable. It’s like method acting – we must live the French to understand the French!

And that brings me to my last request: it’s time for a new wardrobe. Now I know that button-ups without ties are all the rage right now, but what happened to a good old-fashioned cape? It certainly worked for all those very realistic professors in the Harry Potter movies. I’m thinking a cravat or two as well, and if I could also have a podium from which to spew forth my magnificence, I think it would be perfect. Make sure it’s not pine. It clashes with my skin tones.

I think you’ll find all of these ideas perfectly reasonable. We all need to give ourselves a little pat on the back at the end of the year. You know what? Get yourself a little something too. Maybe a nice mug that says “World’s best boss“ on it. I’m sure the elves would be happy to chip in.