Look at my iguana!

Mr. Têtu! Mr. Têtu! Have you seen my iguana? It’s big and pretty and green and scaly. Let me show you a video of him. I got him this weekend with my mom. My mom finally let me get him after I’ve been bugging her for so long and I’m so happy! I named it Earl. Earl the Iguana. Do you like him? Here’s another video I shot at two o’clock in the morning when I should have been sleeping but was instead busy trying to curate my life and post it on TikTok in a lonely desperate attempt to bring some meaning into my life. I love Earl so much. I love him like I’ve never loved anything.

Why are you not looking at me? I know it’s the start of the class period and there’s thirty-five students in this small airless classroom. Does it ever bug you to live half of your days during the best years of your life in a small almost-windowless box with a bunch of resentful pre-humans who communicate solely through borrowed slang and truly disgusting swearing? That must be why you’re not looking at me. It can’t be because you’ve heard about my iguana for the last two days straight. I’m not bored of Earl and so you can’t be bored of him either.

Did I tell you that my mom let me buy him? I know I did but I like saying those words so I said them again. My mom let my buy this iguana this weekend. We do not always get along. Sometimes she gets a little frustrated that I spend up to 15 dollars a day on energy drinks. I think water is gross and for old people. Do you ever see old people running around? Nope. They just sit and yell at you and tell you that life used to be better, and all they drink is water. If they drank a few more energy drinks, they would be able to run around and maybe they wouldn’t be so grumpy.

Not that my mom is that old. My family history is an almost humorous salad of tragedy, accident, and deliberate stupidity. My mother works incredibly hard and is my best friend, which is both heartwarming and tear jerking. I know that when I talk to you about my family, which I do with a sort of sodium-pentathol-influenced openness. I would tell you the PIN code to my credit card if I thought it would catch your attention. Instead, I mostly like to tell you about the latest drunken uncle to land in jail, or the most recent pet death. When you start to mumble and look down and tears start to form in your eyes, I know that I’ve told you the right amount of detail! That’s how you tell me you want to hear more.

My iguana helps me do my homework at two o’clock in the morning. That’s the only time I can do homework, because I’m strangely hyped up after a day of sitting in the prison-like school (fueled on god-like amounts of caffeine and sugar) and then running around during my SportsBall practice for two hours and then eating three Hot’n’Spicy Top Ramen packets alone in my living room while The Real Housewives of Calgary blares on my 83” TV. Strangely enough this schedule does not make me feel very calm. Completely coincidentally, I’d like to talk for five minutes about the importance of mental health and self-care. Instagram tells me it’s important, and Instagram never lies.

I know that now it is almost the end of the period, and that you are clutching your chest because your heart hurts. I do not know why your heart hurts. You say that you have to cover a certain amount of material every semester or else the principal and the school board judges you and yells at you, but do you really care? Don’t let it stress you out. Remember that mental health is important. I think talking to me is more important. I know you think that, because you don’t stop me and you do actually seem to care about me, which makes you the only adult in my life that has time to listen to me.

Can I bring Earl the Iguana to school tomorrow? I know that the principal was very clear that students can’t bring in their pets but I feel like Earl would be a great addition to the classroom atmosphere. He does not bite most people. If everyone stays calm and does not move quickly or breathe too loudly or think about insects too much he almost definitely will not do the “Terror Dance”. I don’t like the “Terror Dance” and neither would you nor the police officers and EMTs that would definitely be needed after a “Terror Dance”.

Can I bring in my iguana?

Can I bring in my iguana?

Can I bring in my iguana?

Can I?